This is how I used to make Gramma’s Raisin Bran Muffins:

1. Make muffins.

Time < 1 hour.

This is how I made Gramma’s Raisin Bran Muffins today:

1. Set out baking soda, measure 1 cup of water, put water in kettle on stove to boil.

2. Tell Seva to stop jumping at the counters. Put her behind gate. Wash hands.

3. Stir 1 ½ t. baking soda into 1 c. boiling water. Set aside to cool.

4. Set out: flour, sucanat (or sugar), vegetable oil, eggs.

5. Talk to Seva a lot to try and distract her from jumping at the doors and walls in her little cordoned off area.

6. Cream 1 c. sucanat and ½ c. oil with hand mixer.

7. Realize Seva is peeing on the floor. Scoop her up and run outside.

8. Return to the kitchen. Wash hands.

9. Beat 2 eggs and 2 ½ c. flour into sucanat and oil.

10. Let Seva outside because she is pawing at the door. Stand in the door and watch her. When she squats, holler “Better go now,” the potty cue. Call her in, give her a treat for a successful recall. Wash hands.

11. Stir into batter the cooled water and baking soda.

12. Let Seva outside. Bring her inside. Give her an ice cube to occupy her for two minutes. Wash hands.

13. Stir into batter 2 c. soymilk (or butter milk) and 1 ½ t. salt.

14. “Kennel.” Wait for Seva to obey. She knows what I want but does not want to be crated, so this takes a few minutes. She looks at me. I look at the crate. Finally, after circling my legs—puppy procrastination—she enters the crate. Shut it. Click and treat. Wash hands.

15. Stir into batter 2 c. All Bran cereal, 1 c. Bran Flakes, 1 c. raisins.

16. Let Seva outside because she’s been doing her high-pitched squeak the whole time and I don’t know if it’s saying, “I want attention,” or “I really have to go!”

17. Watch Seva run into bushes. Call her back. Pull mulch out of her mouth. Give her a treat in exchange for the mulch. Wash hands.

18. Preheat oven to 400*. Fill muffin pan. Slide into oven. Set timer for 18 minutes.

19. Play the Retrieve Game with Seva while muffins bake.

20. Let Seva outside because she’s lost all focus. Bring her in.

21. Take muffins out of oven. Set aside to cool in pan for a few minutes.

22. Realize Seva’s chewing on the rug. Squirt it with Bitter Apple spray. Wash hands.

23. Put muffins on a cooling rack.

24. Return full attention to dog.

Time > 2 hours.

Meet the Berserker!